scissors and quotes...

...and we're not talking about scrapbooking, folks. 

i've been a thought collector for as far back as i can remember. quotes and song lyrics and scripture and what have you scrawled into notebooks that i may or may not ever get around to re-reading after the pages have all been filled. even though i mostly don't journal anymore, you can flip through a few pages of any of my versions of a common place book and get an idea of how i was feeling about life or what i might be struggling with. funny how that works out... 

i recently said something about scissors and quotes being how i was handling life these days. upon reflection, i've realized i've always done that. using the scissors to cut out the hard parts and then tossing the bandaid of a quote over the hole left behind. 

and loads of comments about how 'i should have', 'my fault', 'shame on me' comments. mostly to prove that i don't hold someone else responsible for whatever my issue is, that i am ready to accept the consequences of my words/thoughts/actions. 

except i feel like i've grown so accustomed to making things my fault or working hard to shoulder my share of the blame that i've taught my brain to carry the weight of other's participation in these scenarios. 

it's really quite healthy. 

oh, don't get me wrong. i get overloaded and, like a teakettle screaming it's disdain of sitting on a hot stovetop any longer, my anger boils over and i shout obscenities to whoever or whatever is closest at hand.  i stomp and slam around until the frustration abates. then i start justifying why i shouldn't be so upset. 

but not dealing with the emotions of it. just shaking a finger at myself. 

so healthy. 

and i keep reading article after article about how you have to actually deal with those emotions in order to move forward, not just bury them. i'm a life long grave digger. i don't even know how to process grief and figure out forgiveness while still maintaining boundaries. i mean, seriously, what in the whole wide world of whatness is that all about? it's not that i'm unwilling, it's that i'm uneducated. 

i've got some learning to do because i do not want to feel like this for the rest of my life. i don't want it all to continue compounding. it's been too long already.